Trapdoor
Twenty One Pilots

Sucker's Prayer
The Decemberists

Ghosting
Mother Mother

Line Without a Hook
Ricky Montgomery

Mess
Get Scared

Nothing Personal
Night Riots

Drop Dead
Badflower

Reaper Man
Mother Mother

Salt
Bad Suns

Silver Platters
Les Gold

Are You Satisfied?
MARINA

Seen a Good Man (In a Bad Mood)
Swain

If
House of Heroes

Medicine
Artist Vs Poet

Be Calm
fun.

The Good Part
AJR

Sometimes
Nick Lutsko

Ship in a Bottle
Steffan Argus

I Scared All My Friends Away
beard

I Come With Knives
IAMX

Trapped
The Real Zebos

Wretch
Autoheart

Trapdoor
Twenty One Pilots

He wakes up early today
Throws on a mask that will alter his face
Nobody knows his real name
But now he just uses one he saw on a grave

And he pretends he's okay, but you should see, oh
Him in bed late at night, he's petrified

Take me out, and finish this waste of a life
Everyone gather around for a show
Watch as this man disappears as we know
Do me a favor and try to ignore
As you watch him fall through a blatant trapdoor

He thinks that faith might be dead
Nothing kills a man faster than his own head
He used to see dreams at night
But now he's just watching the backs of his eyes

And he pretends he's okay, but you should see
Him in bed late at night, he's petrified

Take me out and finish this waste of a life
Everyone gather around for a show
Watch as this man disappears as we know
Do me a favor and try to ignore
As you watch him fall through a blatant trapdoor
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah!

Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah

Take me out and finish this waste of a life
Everyone gather around for a show
Watch as this man disappears as we know
Do me a favor and try to ignore
When you watch him fall through a blatant trapdoor

'Cause nobody knows he's alive

- 2015 -

This signifies masking my depression and PTSD by becoming a shell of a person. Every day I could feel the person I thought I was fading away, morphing into someone cold and bitter who rejected humanity.

I didn't want anyone to notice what I was turning into-- I didn't want anyone to acknowledge me at all.

Sucker's Prayer
The Decemberists

I was not ready for the road
I was so discontent to wear that heavy load
So I got down on my knees
Made a sucker's prayer
Like Rimbaud to Baudelaire before

And when nobody did respond
I took my glasses off and went to find a pond
Stuffing rocks into the pockets of my pants
And when I waded in
Those currents carried them away

I wanna love somebody but I don't know how
I've been so long lonely and it's getting me down
I wanna throw my body in the river and drown
I wanna love somebody but I don't know how

So if you're lost along the way
And if you're thinking that will always be the case
Won't you listen to my plea?
Don't make a sucker's prayer
Just go and leave it there, away

I wanna love somebody but I don't know how
I've been so long lonely and it's getting me down
I wanna throw my body in the river and drown
I wanna love somebody but I don't know how
I wanna love somebody but I don't know how

- 2015 -

Living a loveless (of all kinds) and empty life wore down on me in a way I didn't expect. My suicide attempts have been by drowning, exactly as sung in the song. Trying to reconcile a religion I'd been raised with (one that I wanted to believe) was difficult when I refused to believe in the good of humanity. When I refused to listen, of course I heard nothing. I was the martyr in my own head.

Ghosting
Mother Mother

I've been ghosting, I've been ghosting along
Ghost in your house, ghost in your arms
When you're tossing, when you turn in your sleep
It's because I'm ghosting your dreams

And this is why I have decided
To pull these old white sheets from my head
I'll leave them folded neat and tidy
So that you'll know I'm out of hiding

I've been ghosting, I've been ghosting alone
Ghost in the world, ghost with no home
I remember, I remember the days
When I'd make you oh so afraid

And this is why I have decided
To leave your house and home unhaunted
You don't need poltergeists for sidekicks
You don't need treats and you don't need tricks

You don't need treats, you don't need tricks
You don't need no Halloween
You don't need treats, you don't need tricks
And you don't need me

Me...

Hey, would it be so bad if I stayed
I'm just a ghost out of his grave
And I can't make love in my grave
I won't put white into your hair
I won't make noises in your stairs
I will be kind and I'll be sweet
If you stop staring straight through me

And this is why I have decided
To pull these old white sheets from my head
I'll leave them folded neat and tidy
So that you'll know I'm out of hiding

And this is why I have decided
To leave your house and home unhaunted
You don't need poltergeist for sidekicks
You don't need treats and you don't need tricks

You don't need treats, you don't need tricks
You don't need no Halloween
You don't need treats, you don't need tricks
You don't need treats, you don't need no Hallows Eve
You don't need treats, you don't need tricks
And you don't need me...

- 2016 to 2017 -

Realising my transition to soulless entity had backfired, I tried to re-establish myself with the people I'd used to spend time with. They'd all moved on, they'd all been hurt by me. They knew what I'd done and they hated the person I turned into. I hated that person too, but I was too far gone to fix everything.
I was too far gone to change back overnight.

I eventually let them go.

Line Without a Hook
Ricky Montgomery

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me,
When we're alone
You can hold my hand
If no one's home
Do you like it when I'm away?
If I went and hurt my body baby,
Would you love me the same?
I can feel all my bones coming back
And I'm craving motion
Mama never really learned how to live by herself
It's a curse
And it's growing
You're a pond and I'm an ocean
Oh, all my emotions
Feel like explosions when you are around
And I've found a way to kill the sounds ohh

Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh
And if I could take it all back,
I swear that I would pull you from the tide

Oh, woah, woah, woah
I said no, I said no
Listen close, It's a no
The wind is a-pounding on my back
and I found hope in a heart attack
Oh at last, it is past
Now I've got it, and you can't have it

Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh
And if I could take it all back,
I swear that I would pull you from the tide

Darling, when I'm fast asleep
I've seen this person watching me
Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?"
Because there is something, and there is nothing
There is nothing in between
And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer
Watching over me, he's singing
"She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy"
he's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook."

Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh
And if I could take it all back,
I swear that I would pull you from the tide

- 2017 to 2018 -

I was so desperate for someone to be with me that I got in an unhealthy relationship. I was hinging my entire self on him. I blamed myself for everything he struggled with, and he blamed me it too.

Did he love me? I don't know. Did I love him? I can't say. I just thought he was better than me and I was nothing compared to him.

I finally started to come to terms with my inherent worth, and I refused to let him take that from me too.

Mess
Get Scared

Talk to me now while I'm sober
The way that you look
I know it's almost over
The fighting has stopped
But I'm still so lost
Will you bring me in

Shame creeps down my spine
Like the blade of a knife
And it's taking it's time
Will you wait for me
'Cause now I can't breathe
The air runs thin

I'm another lush
I'm another liar
How will I stop
When will I start learning

Will I come clean to say that I'm wrong
I'm the best kind of mess (yeah, yeah)
I'm the best kind of mess
I'm the best kind of mess
I'm the best kind of mess

You know that it hurts so bad
I wish I could stop
But I'm so used to sad
You asked me to leave
So now I believe
That I'm shut out

Now I'm taking this pill just to mend it
I'm not calling the shots
I'm just calling it quits
Would you love me, would you hold me
This wreck I am?

I'm another lush
I'm another liar
How will I stop
When will I start learning

Will I come clean to say that I'm wrong
I'm the best kind of mess (yeah, yeah)
How will I stop?
When will I start learning?
Will I come clean to say that I'm wrong
I'm the best kind of mess (yeah, yeah)
I'm the best kind of mess

I forget, I'm obsessed
With watching her fall out of love
Is this a test, 'cause I'm depressed
By watching her fall out of love

How will I stop
When will I start learning

Will I come clean to say that I'm wrong
I'm the best kind of mess (yeah, yeah)
How will I stop
When will I start learning
Will I come clean to say that I'm wrong
I'm the best kind of mess (yeah, yeah)
I'm the best kind of mess
I'm the best kind of mess
I'm the best kind of mess
I'm the best kind of mess

You know that it hurts so bad...

- 2018 -

I was hurt and I was lonely, and I needed him to stay in my life. Not because I loved him still, but because I couldn't be alone again. I couldn't deal with life by myself again.

I regretted placing everything I was into him but I couldn't stop. I just needed him to stay with me.

Stuck in between feeling like I deserved better love and believing this was all I would ever get, I begged him to stay with me forever.

Nothing Personal
Night Riots

We're stars now, can't you see
The center of the world is lonely me
Float along through the catacombs
The endless cycle flesh to bones

I'll be the king, you'll be the filth I wash away
Nothing personal, personal, personal
I am the light, I am the truth, I am the way
Nothing personal, personal, personal

Bad omens around the eyes
I'll take your crown, I'll make it mine
As you sulk your days away
Numb yourself and think of me

I'll be the king, you'll be the filth I wash away
Nothing personal, personal, personal
I am the light, I am the truth, I am the way
Nothing personal, personal, personal

I keep your star light
I control you
Far up above
You do what I do
I keep your star light
I control you
Pull your strings
You do what I do
I keep your star light
I control you
Pull your strings
You do what I do

I'll be the king, you'll be the filth I wash away
Nothing personal, personal, personal
I am the light, I am the truth, I am the way
Nothing personal, personal, personal
I'll be the king, you'll be the filth I wash away
Nothing personal, personal, personal
I am the light, I am the truth, I am the way
Nothing personal, personal, personal

- 2018 -

I went to college, suddenly surrounded by people who didn't immediately hate everything I was.

I became consumed by the belief that I deserved better than him. I broke it off with him and slowly realised how truly unhealthy our entire relationship had been. It was founded on the insecurities of two broken souls.

I forgot how to hold on to the compassion I had learned. In discovering my worth, I disregarded the worth of those around me.

Drop Dead
Badflower

Rare as a roast
The skin in her clothes
But she shivers like a beggar when she cries
Your eyes in a sheet and bricks on your feet
And you're drowning under water like your future
I am not your savior
I can't help you

Quick, pose for the vanity
Clack clack with your high heels
Quit messin' with the boy's head
Learn to love yourself, or drop dead
You take what you don't need
You keep fuckin', but you don't breed
Better off if you ask me
Learn to hate yourself, and love me

Your smell makes me sick, it's salty and thick
When you sweat that toxic haze
Out your smile
You're cold to the core, a virgin no more
When you sleep with every stranger, you're in danger
What's with your behavior?
I can't save you

Quick, pose for the vanity
Clack clack with your high heels
Quit messin' with the boy's head
Learn to love yourself, or drop dead (drop dead)
You take what you don't need
You keep fuckin', but you don't breed
Better off if you ask me
Learn to hate yourself, and love me
Oh love me, love me, love me, love me

- 2018 -

I began to separate my blossoming bitterness from being directed at the whole world and being just directed at him.

I was tired of him cheating on me, I was tired of being held responsible for his mental health when he never listend to me anyway. I was tired of never being loved.

If he couldn't love himself, at least love me...

Reaper Man
Mother Mother

Oh yeah I'm a reaper man
Every good thing, I kill it dead
Oh yeah I'm a hooligan
Out in the street making a mess

Fuck yeah I'm a deviant
When I go to the store I go undressed
Oh yeah I'm a sexy mess
Go on the date just to get the dress off

How'd I ever get so off my rocks?
How'd I ever get so lost
Everybody out there on the job
But not me

Oh, but not me

Oh yeah I'm an ugly mess
Not in the face, but in the head
I'm thinking that was best not said
But I say it anyway, then I say it again

They took a little look at my brain
They come to find, all is sane
They took a little look at my heart
They found a prince living behind bars

How'd I ever get so off my rocks?
How'd I ever get so lost
Everybody out there on the job, but not me oh no
How'd I ever get so indiscreet, how'd I ever get so freakly
Everybody out there on a leash
But not me

Oh

I know I got no choice, got no choice, but to love myself
I know I got no choice, got no choice, but to love myself
God knows, you got no choice, got no choice, but to love yourself
God knows, I got no choice, got no choice, got no choice

How'd I ever get so off my rocks?
How'd I ever get so lost (who knows)
Everybody out there on the job, but not me oh no
How'd I ever get so indiscreet, how'd I ever get so freakly
Everybody out there on a leash
But not me

Oh, but not me

- 2018 -

I finally was alone again, and I was... happy? I didn't know what that was supposed to feel like. I thrived off of cheap thrills and finally living freely.

I knew there was something better inside of me, something that had never been allowed to flourish. Taking a step back, I was a disaster and no one but me could fix it.

Salt
Bad Suns

Stuck inside of the wrong frame
I don't feel attached to this name
My body, I must reclaim
With different eyes and no shame

Try, try to just hear me out
Don't ask why, why
I'm taking this route
It's alright, right?
That's what I tell myself, but I don't know know

So I ran 'til I couldn't & I screamed, until my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why
These memories are nothing to me just salt

Look in the mirror and tell me
What it is like to be free
How do I grasp reality
When I don't have an identity!
Who, who can I look to 'cause I'm not like you, you
And I don't believe in the truth, truth
Because all of my life's built on lies

So I ran 'til I couldn't & I screamed, until my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why

I know what you're implying
I'm trying to get my feet off the ground
I know - I know, I'm trying - I'm trying
These memories are nothing to me just salt!

Stuck inside of the wrong frame,
I don't feel attached to this name
How do I grasp reality
When I don't have an identity!
Who, who can I look to 'cause I'm not like you, you
And I don't believe in the truth, truth
'Cause all of my life's built on lies, uh!

So I ran 'til I couldn't & I screamed, until my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why
Yeah, I ran 'til I couldn't & I screamed, until my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why
(I'm trying to get my feet off the ground)
These memories are nothing to me just salt in the wound

- 2018 -

I came out as transgender to my family and began the long journey of transitioning.

I had to merge what I knew of myself and who I wanted to be. This marked a period of stability, as I became accustomed to my evolving self. I tried on personalities until one fit, one that was distant but deeply caring.

Silver Platters
Les Gold

Open up a bottle
Take a sip and swallow
Thinking about god and all the dreams you didn't follow
Now you're dressing formal
I've seen this before
Fancy trying to mitigate your fear of being normal
Just step through the portal
No need to be cordial
You could be immortal
If you take the risk
Could you take the risk?

Living through your doses
Oh my heart remorses
Sleeping on a bed of thorns, yet still you call them roses
Speaking to the masses
Still can't find your glasses
Driving like you stole it, up until it finally crashes
Baby's breathing ashes
Lights so bright, it flashes
Now that outfit clashes
Never got a kiss

Birds on the branches
On subtle stances
Broken hearts, we'll be cooking starving, new romantics
What does it matter, if it's broken and shattered
Battleships with a side of chips on silver platters

Step out on the dance floor
This is what you asked for
Such a pretty face
What was it underneath the mask for?
Time for some revisions
Time for bad decisions
Tune in to the galaxy
Turn off your television
Making your incisions
Droppings of divisions
On a different mission
Look at what you missed
(Look at what you missed)

Visceral emotions
Testing your devotion
Admire what can change when you stop going through the motions
Girl of alabaster, dance a little faster, find another lover 'cause the former was a bastard
Crucibles and casters
Looking for an answer
Settled on a master

You were made for this

Birds on the branches
On subtle stances
Broken hearts, we'll be cooking starving, new romantics
What does it matter, if it's broken and shattered
Battleships with a side of chips on silver platters
Battleships with a side of chips on silver platters

- 2018 -

Once again it struck me that I was a martyr in my own story. I rewrote my history to frame myself as the hero. Finally I was in charge of myself, and I could do anything I wanted.

It was time to live again.

Are You Satisfied?
MARINA

I was pulling out my hair the day I got the deal
Chemically calm
Was I meant to feel happy
That my life was just about to change?

One life pretending to be
The cat who got the cream
Oh, everybody said,
"Marina is a dreamer."
People like to tell you what you're gonna be
It's not my problem if you don't see what I see
And I do not give a damn if you don't believe
My problem, it's my problem
That I never am happy
It's my problem, it's my problem
On how fast I will succeed

Are you satisfied with an average life?
Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

High achiever don't you see
Baby, nothing comes for free
They say I'm a control freak
Driven by a greed to succeed
Nobody can stop me

Cause it's my problem
If I wanna pack up and run away
It's my business if I feel the need to
Smoke and drink and sway
It's my problem, it's my problem
If I feel the need to hide
And it's my problem if I have no friends
And feel I want to die

Are you satisfied with an average life?
Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

Are you satisfied with an easy ride
Once you cross the line
Will you be satisfied?

Sad inside
In this life
Unsatisfied praying
Sad inside
In this life
Unsatisfied waiting

Are you satisfied with an average life
Do I need to lie to make my way in life

Are you satisfied with an easy ride
Once you cross the line
Will you be satisfied?

Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)

- 2018 -

As I was reinventing myself, I tried to reconcile my self-centered self that I'd always been with the sacrificial self that I wanted to be.

What did I really want out of changing?

Seen a Good Man (In a Bad Mood)
Swain

I'm at the end of myself, but I'm not dead (yet)
I just don't know where I'm at
No more color, through and through
Paint me blue

And now it's raining in Berlin, and I'm almost going home
I'd better stop this roam
No more doubts, no more seconds guesses
But now I'm staring at the wall
Your success has made me small
Envy; don't wanna be seen
Paint me green

Dye me, stain me
Blush
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Crushed

I'm at a loss for words
It never was supposed to hurt
Molina, guide me through this cold
Paint me gold

Pale sky
It's what I expect to see
So please colour me in ecstasy

Dye me, stain me
Blush
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Crushed
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Seen a good man in a bad mood
Crushed

- 2018 -

I felt so many things for the first time I could recall. How does one cope with a thousand emotions when they've barely gotten used to accepting them?

One thing could be said-- I think I was finally becoming good..?

If
House of Heroes


I could be in love if you wore that dress every day
With your hair just so and your eyes of grey
You'd make a beautiful bird on a line
A beautiful bride of Frankenstein
A beautiful drop of iodine
If you were mine, if you were mine, if you were mine

I could be in love if the sun came out every day
Set the sky on fire and the city grey
I'd be there at the drop of a dime
If you were mine, if you were mine, if you were mine

If you were mine I'd tear the altar down of all that I'd lost to romance
If you were mine I'd risk my dignity if only to give love a chance
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine

And I could be in love if the sirens sang every day
You draw me closer to destiny
Give us this moment to shine
Me and my bride of Frankenstein
A beautiful bird on a line
If you were mine, if you were mine, if you were mine
Would you be mine? Would you be mine?

If you were mine I'd tear the altar down of all that I'd lost to romance
If you were mine I'd risk my dignity if only to give love a chance
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine

Ohh, if you were mine.

If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine

If you were mine I'd tear the altar down of all that I'd lost to romance
If you were mine I'd risk my dignity if only to give love a chance
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine

If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine
If you were mine, I'd have the world
I'd have the world if you were mine.

- 2019 -

I met my current partner, and I truly loved. Without them, I might never have fully crushed down the walls that separated me from others.

Medicine
Artist Vs Poet

I think I'm gonna be sick
I'll make the headlines again
'Cause I took mum's prescription with dad's permission
But the pain just don't wanna quit
I think I'm out of touch
With this invention of love
'Cause I saw movie magic and brought up the act
But all that I could find was lust

Oh oh, the pills they gotta go
The doctor he don't need to know

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Now listen, I can't be everything
It's me or the medicine

I was spending now I'm spun
And I think I'm coming undone
'Cause I had one too many and chased it with whiskey
'Till my troubles were gone
I don't remember you
But you're so nice to wake up to
Well this ain't gonna linger 'cause I crossed my fingers
And I got nothing left to lose

Oh oh, the pills they gotta go
The doctor he don't need to know

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Now listen, I can't be everything
It's me or the medicine

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Now listen, I can't be everything
It's me or the medicine

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Now listen, I can't be everything
It's me or the medicine

Hey, you're okay
Same shit but it's a different day
Hey, you're okay
Now listen, I can't be everything
It's me or the medicine

- 2019 -

This is when my schizophrenia began to noticeably develop and become a cause for concern. My medications kept me subdued but they also kept me alive.

Which was more important? My newfound self or existing...?

Be Calm
fun.

As I walk through the streets of my new city
My back feeling much better, I suppose
I've reclaimed the use of my imagination
For better or for worse, I've yet to know, but I
Always knew you'd be the one to understand me,
I guess that's why it took so long to get things right.
Suddenly I'm lost
On my street
On my block

Oh why, Oh why
Oh why haven't you been there for me?
Can't you see, I'm losing my mind this time?
This time I think it's for real, I can see

All the tree tops turning red
The beggars near bodegas grin at me
I think they want something
I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe

And be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes.
Be calm.

I'm scared that everyone is out to get me.
"These days before you speak to me you pause."
"I always see you looking out your window."
"After all, you lost your band, you left your mom."
Now every single crack every penny that I pass,
Says I should either leave or pick it up
But with every single buck I've made
I'm saddled with bad luck that came

The moment I was baptized
Or when I found out one day I'm gonna die
If only I could find my people or my place in life
And when they came a'carolin'
So loud, so bright, the theremin
Will lead us to a chorus
Where we'll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
And everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

I don't remember much that night,
Just walking, thinking fondly of you
Thinking how the worst is yet to come
From that street corner came a song
And I can't remember the man,
The panhandler or his melody.
The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I'd given thee.

Oh be calm, be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it still thinks you're alive
And everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm, be calm.

- 2019 -

I began to cope with the presence of my psychosis. In a way, it became a comforting constant. In another, it fueled paranoia that I barely kept under wraps.

The Good Part
AJR

(One, two, three, four)
(One, two, three, four)
(One, two, three, four)

Have I done my best here, or
Will I be here next year, or
Are these my best years yet?

Was looking forward to
Being important, but
I'm not important, yet

If you put this scene
On a movie screen
Is it called a happy end?
If the world gets me
Where I'm s'posed to be
Will I know I've made it, then?
It's so hard
Can we skip to the good part?

(One, two, three, four)
(One, two, three, four)

If there's a good part, then
I hope it's not far, 'cause
I thought it'd be today

I napped on campus, and
I smoked at dances, but
It didn't feel so great

If you put this scene
On a movie screen
Is it called a happy end?
If the world gets me
Where I'm s'posed to be
Will I know I've made it, then?
It's so hard
So can we skip to the good part?

(One, two, three, four)
(One, two, three, four)
(So can we skip to the good part, to the good part, to the good part)
(One, two, three, four)
(One, two, three, four)

These things take time
Mom and dad, they have a good life
But what am I gonna do with mine?
These things take time
Mom and dad, they have a good life
But, what the hell am I gonna do with mine?

- 2020 -

I could no longer say my psychosis was comforting-- it tore me apart every day. I just wanted it to be over. The stress of not knowing if I would live to see the end of the suffering was excruciating.

Sometimes
Nick Lutsko

Swinging for the fences, hanging from the moon
I cut my tongue on the rust of a silver spoon
I bet my billionth bottom dollar on a hopeless case
And now the devil on my shoulder has a knife to my face

Sometimes the short end of the stick is the sharpest
Sometimes the only road to take is the darkest
Sometimes all you gotta say is “Daddy, make it go away”
Sometimes the only way out is as a carcass

Chimp with a cigarette in a fifty cent zoo
Thanks God he ain’t in the circus while he’s watching you
I’ve got too close to the furnace, I’ve been on both sides of the glass
But ain’t nobody made a monkey out my monkey ass

Sometimes the short end of the stick is the sharpest
Sometimes the only road to take is the darkest
Sometimes all you gotta say is “Daddy, make it go away”
Sometimes the only way out is as a carcass
Sometimes you gotta finish what you shouldn’t have started
Sometimes you gotta shoot before you see the target
Sometimes Daddy’s gonna say, “You’re not worth the price to pay”
Sometimes the tunnel only leads to darkness

You built this ship (You did, you did)
And you’ll go down with it

Racing toward the mailbox with a letter in your hand
But the postman’s gone away and you begin to understand
That you’re no hero to this story, you’re just another wretched pawn
Who bought his tickets to the sideshow and then slept through the alarm

Sometimes the short end of the stick is the sharpest
Sometimes the only road to take is the darkest
Sometimes all you gotta say is “Daddy, make it go away”
Sometimes the only way out is as a carcass
Sometimes you gotta finish what you shouldn’t have started
Sometimes you gotta shoot before you see the target
Sometimes Daddy’s gonna say, “You’re not worth the price to pay”
Sometimes the tunnel only leads to darkness

Sometimes the short end of the stick is the sharpest
Sometimes the only road to take is the darkest
Sometimes all you gotta say is “Daddy, make it go away”
Sometimes the only way out is as a carcass
Sometimes you gotta finish what you shouldn’t have started
Sometimes you gotta shoot before you see the target
Sometimes Daddy’s gonna say, “You’re not worth the price to pay”
Sometimes the tunnel only leads to darkness

You built this ship
And you’ll go down with it

- 2020 -

This is a part of the story that I have to live through, I realised. It might destroy me, it might not. I just have to try. This is my tale to unfold, like it or not. These were the cards I was dealt, these are the cards I'm going to try my damnedest to succeed with. At the end of the day, mine is just another life-- but it's mine nonetheless.

Ship in a Bottle
Steffan Argus

You can fit everything you know
In a bottle for you to show
Pick your brain apart and put it in (pick your brain apart)
And build it again
With needles and pins

Everything you have earned is a ship
With blue waves crashing into it
But nothing can touch your happy thoughts anymore
(nothing can touch your happy thoughts anymore)
With your glass ceiling, walls, and floor

Sailing on a ship in a bottle
Anchor all your thoughts to the bottom
Pulling ropes and pulling your head back
To see what is breaking the foremast

You set sail alone there is no crew
No one on the deck who can help you
This is all your own battle to win
This is your ship and you are the captain

Oh, captain, let's make a deal
Where we both say the things that we both really feel
I feel scared and I'm starting to sink
And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

Oh, captain
Oh, captain, deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh woah

There are red spots under your eyes
From when you cry
Into the sky
Ocean waters rising above your neck, mmm
You feel the glass
Start to crack

Sailing on a ship in a bottle
Water's leaking through holes in the bottom
Flying flags of ships that have long since
Sat at the floor of the sea, but in defense

You set sail alone there is no crew
No one on the deck who can help you
This is all your own battle to win
This is your ship and you are the captain

Oh, captain, let's make a deal
Where we both say the things that we both really feel
I feel scared and I'm starting to sink
And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

Oh, captain, make up your mind
Before the salt burns your eyes and you run out of time
'cause you're popping the cork
You get lost in your brain
And you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane

Oh, captain
Oh, captain, deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh woah

Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh

Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh, captain, let's make a deal
Where we both say the things that we both really feel
I feel scared and I'm starting to sink
And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

Oh, captain, make up your mind
Before the salt burns your eyes and you run out of time
'cause you're popping the cork
You get lost in your brain
And you lose touch with all the things that made you feel sane

Oh, captain
Oh, captain, deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh, captain deal
Oh woah

Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh

- 2020 -

Maybe I can't control everything, maybe it will all be in vain. At least I can say I tried. At least I can say I put in every ounce of effort I have. It's terrifying, and I feel alone sometimes because no one else can fix it for me. I just have to push on.

I Scared All My Friends Away
beard

I scared all my friends away
I wish they would stay but they were too far gone

I tried my best to explain
But it was too late
They’d already moved on

I scared all my friends away
I wish they would stay but they were too far gone

I tried my best to explain
But it was too late
They’d already moved on

I'll try my best
To be who you want me to be
Just please don't leave me again

I'll change my ways
As long as you'll take me back

I scared all my friends away
I wish they would stay but they were too far gone

I tried my best to explain
But it was too late
They'd already moved on

I scared all my friends away
I wish they would stay but they were too far gone

I tried my best to explain
But it was too late
They'd already moved on

I'll try my best
To be who you think i should
Just please don't leave me my friend
I'll change my ways
As long as you'll take me back

- 2020 -

I tried. I became the better person, I became who I thought would be lovable. Everyone and everything is slipping through my fingers. No one will wait for me to get better forever, and someday I'll be stuck with a heart too full and no one to give it to.

I Come With Knives
IAMX

[Translated from German]
Children and stars lose themselves
They grab my hand quietly and lead me
The dream gods brought me into a landscape
Butterflies fluttered through my soul at midnight

The paradox of our minds
Too much to believe, too much to deny
You fool me again to quiet my pride
But I'm a human, I come with knives

I never promised you an open heart or charity
I never wanted to abuse your imagination

I come with knives
I come with knives
And agony
To love you

Children and stars lose themselves
They grab my hand quietly and lead me
The dream gods brought me into a landscape
Butterflies fluttered through my soul at midnight

The monotony
And the rising tide
Is under my skin, is crawling inside
Adrenaline to rewire my mind
I'm only human, I come with knives

I never promised you an open heart or charity
I never wanted to abuse your imagination

I come with knives
I come with knives
And agony
I come with knives
I come with knives
To love you
And agony
To love you
With agony

I come with knives
With agony
To love you

Children and stars lose themselves
They grab my hand quietly and lead me
The dream gods brought me into a landscape
Butterflies fluttered through my soul at midnight

Being schizophrenic warps who I think I am, who I think I have been. I'm not sure if I'm a good person. I try to be, but I can't be sure if my thoughts are who I really am and have been covering up for as long as I've been alive.

Am I selfish? Am I egotistical? Am I the person I carefully crafted or am I the person that whispers in my brain late at night.

Trapped
The Real Zebos

I can hear the voices moanin' in the dark
It's the only thing that gets me by
I can feel the goosebumps crawlin' up my arm
And a glaze comin' over my–
I don't want to sound too forward
But the truth is, I've been watchin' you
I can't believe that someone like me
Could end up trapped in this house with you
Oh, trapped in this house with you

Now I'm feelin' lightheaded
Yeah, I feel a cool breeze
When my blankets and my sheets
Are ripped out from under me
The static on the TV
A woman in my dreams
She wears a robe of satin
Now she's speakin' perfect Latin
Now the room starts to blacken
No, I won't let this happen to me

I can hear the voices in my head
I can't sleep until I know they're dead

I quit contemplating calling off this thing
Or calling out for help
Slanted blinds and kerosene lamps light the hall
For me to find my way out
No, I don't have a blueprint
I don't hold the key
It's me, myself, and I, you and me

I'm the common denominator
I guess I will see you later
Later at night when I'm dimmin' the lights
And I'm flippin' through all of the papers that I wrote
And just one theme is ringin' true
I'm trapped in this house with you

Don't make me wake up, please, no
Don't make me wake up, please, no
Don't make me wake up, please, no
Don't make me wake up

I can't believe that someone like me–

I wish everything I felt was just a dream, it feels like it could be sometimes. I think I'm the person that I've chosen to become. It's something else causing me to think all these horrible things. Separating myself from the voices helps me, somewhat. I'm trapped with them, and they're trapped with me. We aren't the same.

Wretch
Autoheart

In my head
There's a space
Which is dead
Such a waste
It does not occupy
Any rational thoughts
Molecules multiply
By my side
I do not
Have the strength
To survive

Save a wretch like me
And I will be eternally grateful
More than you'll ever know
So please
Save a wretch like me

Shut your mouth
I'll shut mine
And in time
We'll be fine
Too much noise
Only serves
To destroy
I don't care anymore
Such a sad place
To be your one and only

Save a wretch like me
And I will be eternally grateful
More than you'll ever know
Do please save a wretch like me

Who will save a wretch like me
Just hold me to the ground
Who will save a wretch like me
Just hold me to the ground

Save a wretch like me
And I will be eternally grateful
More than you'll ever know so
Please save a wretch like me

- 2020 -

No one can save me, but I wish they would. That doesn't mean I won't cry out for help. That doesn't mean I won't take what I can get. Community is the only thing that will get me through this.